I'm still on a journey in learning to love myself as I'm sure everyone who wishes to love themselves is. Self-love is so important. It's healed me in numerous, amazing ways. But, in our desire to love ourselves, we can enter a toxic cycle which actually has the opposite effect and cause feelings of shame, unworthiness, distress, overwhelm, etc.
How is that possible, you ask?
It happens when we feel this pressure to do self-care things when we're busy, overwhelmed, down, depressed, anxious, and it just adds to the feeling of overwhelm, depression, anxiety. We hear messages so much in media nowadays to love ourselves, to do self-care: like taking a candlelit bath with bath bombs and a glass of wine. Or taking time out to meditate, walk in nature, follow our creative dreams, etc.
So, what's so wrong about that? Nothing, essentially. They can all be acts of self-love. Except...when we just don't want to do those things. When we want to just vegetate in front of the TV or Instagram or we want to go to sleep and don't feel like writing that novel or poem or painting that artwork we've always dreamed about making, or we just don't feel like having that candlelit bath but would rather finish off our monthly account figures spreadsheet because it's been bothering us for days.
Self-love goes deeper than that bubble bath. It goes deeper than your favourite chocolates or a new scarf. Self-love is about accepting where you're at, sitting with your feelings and desires, and accepting them as they are. Not shaming yourself for feeling lazy, unmotivated, overwhelmed, anxious, sad, disappointed, angry. Self-love goes deeper than looking like you love yourself by having that perfect self-image, not having any insecurities, and being totally healed of all your childhood or adulthood wounds.
NO! That's not self-love. That's ego.
Self-love is loving on who YOU ARE NOW - UNCONDITIONALLY.
None of us have arrived. We're all learning, growing, healing. I have a long way to go. Yes, people somehow expect me to have arrived as far as self-love goes - just because I wrote some books on the subject. Nope. I think the fact that my journey is rather bumpy is a good thing - that means I can be gentle and kind in my self-love wisdom writings. I understand what it's like to struggle to love myself at all times. So, I can be understanding of others. Well, I hope I can be.
When I get overwhelmed by self-love and self-care messages, I want to scream. I want to say, "Go away, I've heard enough. I hear it all the time. Give me breathing space to grow. Growth isn't immediate." That anger is there for a reason; I'm starting to learn that. It's telling me something. Maybe it's telling me that I'm okay just as I am, that I don't have to have it all together. My ego doesn't like that, but my soul does.
The thing that has hit me the hardest lately is the message that's often found in numerous places: "You can't have a relationship or be in a relationship until you learn to love yourself more." So, I'm basically being punished for not loving myself enough? I can't have a relationship with someone I really care about because I don't love myself enough? What?
I read a post on Instagram a few months back that said we don't have to be fully healed before we start a relationship. I hope the author doesn't mind me sharing parts of it. Here is the link for the full post: Yolanda Renteria. But it is important and helpful to be aware of our unconscious patterns and to be willing to grow in the relationship. It will help the relationship be healthy and lasting. There are many unconscious patterns that we may have to deal with like abandonment issues, abuse issues, autonomy issues, etc. She ends the post with this:
I know there are people who are afraid to start a relationship until they feel "healed"...
The truth is we don't know how much we have healed until we are working through relationship conflict and repair. Conflict resolution itself allows for deeper healing.
I'm not saying that one is always ready for a relationship. There was a time period after my divorce when I knew I needed to take time out of online dating and just enjoy being single. I wanted that time. It felt like some breathing space - freedom. I think I took about a year and a half. It was really beneficial, and I actually enjoyed it. But that was out of my own choice, not because of this guilt and shame that I shouldn't be in a relationship if I have unhealed wounds. We ALL HAVE UNHEALED WOUNDS! Not one of us had a perfect childhood and past. We've all had less than perfect things happen to us. And we are never going to enter into a relationship with a perfectly un-hurt human being either. That's just a given. If you feel ready, go for it. If you then discover that you weren't, hey, that's just a growth experience for you. If you find someone who ticks your boxes, then be happy to be with them and work through any conflict or trials you may go through - together.
The takeaway of this post is this: Self-love is not that picture-perfect Instagram post listing all the self-care things that you need to do to make yourself feel better like breathe deeply, do stretches when you wake up, drink lots of water, go for a walk every second day, practice mindfulness. I know I spoke about some of these things in my books. And they're great. They help us feel better physically and emotionally - if we're doing them out of joy and not coercion. If we're doing them because we feel this spark inside us to get an exercise routine going or to watch our thought patterns, it's going to bring happiness, peace, and balance into our lives. But, if you're feeling overwhelmed with life already, take a moment to just be. Be authentically you. Do the things that bring you the tiniest spark of joy even if it's tidying your sock drawer or staring at the moon on a starlit night. Or going into your room and having a good cry because you don't feel understood or seen or heard. Then loving on yourself and telling yourself that you hear yourself, you understand yourself, and that what you feel ALWAYS MATTERS!
