My problem with romance novels and why I will continue writing them

I have a problem with romance novels.

"What?" you say. "You write them; you edit them. What's going on? Are you one of those literary snobs who think writing romantic fiction is easy?"

"No, not at all. It's one of the hardest things to write, I think."

There is so much that goes into a good romance novel, and through the years, I've learned more and more as an editor and an occasional writer of the genre. There is just so much to learn. I know deep in my soul that I want to continue writing - that it's my heart's desire, and that romance, for now, is the genre that flows from me. But I have a problem with something that shows up in many romance novels.

I'm not saying this to criticize anyone as it is the genre. The romance genre is fiction and fantasy - it's about a relationship with usually a man and woman, but also with same-sex couples and other genders - but that's not the issue here. It's the fact that it's fantasy - it's partly based on real life but it isn't. And therein lies my concern. 

From going through a difficult divorce and also dating quite a bit in the last seven years, as well as reading up on feminist literature and books like Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are, I've come to realize that the problems I had in my intimate relationships were not due to the person not being the "one for me" or the "right guy" but due to lack of communication.

The sex scenes in romance novels are seamless and perfect. There are no stops where the guy is doing something that the woman doesn't like and where she has to direct him away from it or ask for something different. In every moment, they are both perfectly aroused and happy with every action that the other is doing. This is not possible in any relationship except in a performance on a porn video, and that is not a real relationship. Especially in the beginning when the partners don't know each other. It takes trial and error, communication, and getting to know each other's preferences. According to romance novels, the guy (because he is this perfect hero for the woman) knows exactly what she likes and how she likes it. Women have brakes - this is mentioned in Emily's book. Some women have more sensitive brakes than others. Brakes are things that lower or stop desire and arousal. Anything can press their brakes during love-making - a distraction, pain, discomfort, stress, etc. Some women don't become aroused as easily as others and take longer - their accelerators are less responsive. And there is nothing wrong with these women. They just need partners who are willing to communicate with them and listen to them.

Photo by Jonathan Borba of Pexels

What I'm concerned about when women read romance novels is that they will begin to think there is something wrong with them or their partner. Sure, if their partner is abusive and doesn't listen to their requests and desires, or is coercive and selfish, then there is something wrong with their partner. But if the woman has never told her partner what she likes and how she likes it, then he cannot be blamed for not knowing. No, men can't read our minds, and very few are psychic. And even if they were psychic, it doesn't mean they're sexually psychic. 👻😂We need to speak up. And there needs to be consent every step of the way. Yes, consent is sexy. It's not an interruption. It's a form of respect. I have noticed that some recent romances are strong on consent, and I just love that. Obviously, there are mafia romances that have dubious consent - that is a particular genre. They're not my favorite, but women are entitled to enjoy them if they so wish!

I just wish that some more communication back and forth between partners can be incorporated into the sex scenes of romance novels without taking away from the sexiness of the moment. I'm trying to do it in my more recent work. I'm not sure if it will work, but I can't write them
any other way. It feels wrong and like a disservice to women. I'm rewriting The Album series and adding in sex scenes, and I'm going to bring out In Full Fruit sometime this year.

What do you think? Do you think some imperfection and communication back and forth should be added to sex scenes in romance novels? Or do you think women know that it's just fantasy and it wouldn't affect their self-esteem or relationships reading books with perfect sex scenes?

Where Have I Been?

It's been two years since I wrote anything on my author website. Gosh, I feel awful about it. But I have a good reason. During and after the COVID-19 pandemic and the subsequent lockdowns and worldwide economic struggles, I lost quite a few editing clients. It was no longer sustainable for me to work as a freelancer, especially since my ex-husband's maintenance payments were coming to an end as my kids had become young adults. So, I started job hunting. In our country, unemployment is ridiculously high. It's hard to find a job, but I eventually did obtain a job as a sub-editor at a local newspaper. I sub-edit for three papers and sub the online articles for six papers. It's hectic. It's been two years of challenge beyond compare but also personal growth. We had to move as my job was too far for me to commute to every day. 

The good news - the little apartment we found is perfect for us and has been the best place we've lived in since we moved to Durban. And we've made friends in the area - we are thriving here. I've joined a marvellous dance group and have started taking part in competitions. It's been the highlight of my life this year and kept me going while I've held down an incredibly stressful job. 

At first, I thought the stress was due to being new and adapting to the work, but after the first year, I realised it was more than that and that the work levels can be unsustainable at times. At the moment, I'm working on my daily routine to assist me in dealing with the stress, and I'm learning to cope. It was a mixture of approaching my boss and setting boundaries at work, therefore dropping my workload, working on my sleep patterns - something I haven't got totally right yet - and exercising in the mornings before work to pick up my mood and energy levels. It's also helped to tweak my anxiety medicine - which helped me with coping but didn't improve my mood. I'd say the exercise has been the key to my mood and a sense of peace. I guess we never stop growing in self-love and learning to live our best lives. Also, I'm doing some serious thinking about my life and what I want for now and for my future. I have plans, but they may take a while to materialise totally.

Since my marriage started unravelling, my writing flow seemed to hit a snag, too. I wouldn't say it totally died, but I wrote much slower - partly due to losing my muse and my interest in romance (hurt, betrayal and questioning everything) and also due to having to bear much more responsibility as a single mom, etc. But I did write a few books - my two self-help books included. I feel like my writing has been given a total overhaul, and I'm keen to get stuck into it again. And, surprisingly, I know that romance is still my main thing. But I want to add layers to that. Plus I don't wish to write what's popular necessarily but what comes from the heart and what I've learnt about love and relationships. Oh, and being an editor has helped me write way better than I used to.

So, here I am. I'm back!

During my hiatus, I did bring out The Cat Love Hotel. This book has been through the wringer and has had multiple changes and edits. But I hope you will enjoy it as it is a labour of love, and it was a form of healing for me, too.

Blurb:

Cats have always helped Cherry through the difficult times in her life so when opportunity knocks to open up a bed and breakfast where her six cats can provide 'cat therapy' to her guests, she can't pass it by. But the new vet in town, Jeff, doesn't seem too charmed by her idea and keeps stopping by to check up on her operation and her cats. He's so good-looking and seems so kind, which confuses Cherry. Both of them are divorcees and have been through the mill on the relationship front, and soon, Cherry discovers that he only checks up on her because he cares. Running the B&B is not as easy as she thought, and life gets too busy for her to handle. Will Cherry learn to open up and trust or will her desire for independence push away the best chance for love she's ever known?

You can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Cat-Love-Hotel-Kathy-Bosman-ebook/dp/B0CY354WK8

As you may be aware, I also brought out a contemporary romance, When Love Blooms, in February 2022. Well, it does have a follow-on. If you've read When Love Blooms, you know about Rachel, Collette's friend. Well, In Full Fruit is her story. I'm hoping to bring that out sometime this year! I can't wait!

That's all for now. Thank you for stopping by!

When the Urge to Practice Self-Love Becomes Toxic

I'm still on a journey in learning to love myself as I'm sure everyone who wishes to love themselves is. Self-love is so important. It's healed me in numerous, amazing ways. But, in our desire to love ourselves, we can enter a toxic cycle which actually has the opposite effect and cause feelings of shame, unworthiness, distress, overwhelm, etc.

How is that possible, you ask?

It happens when we feel this pressure to do self-care things when we're busy, overwhelmed, down, depressed, anxious, and it just adds to the feeling of overwhelm, depression, anxiety. We hear messages so much in media nowadays to love ourselves, to do self-care: like taking a candlelit bath with bath bombs and a glass of wine. Or taking time out to meditate, walk in nature, follow our creative dreams, etc.

So, what's so wrong about that? Nothing, essentially. They can all be acts of self-love. Except...when we just don't want to do those things. When we want to just vegetate in front of the TV or Instagram or we want to go to sleep and don't feel like writing that novel or poem or painting that artwork we've always dreamed about making, or we just don't feel like having that candlelit bath but would rather finish off our monthly account figures spreadsheet because it's been bothering us for days.

Self-love goes deeper than that bubble bath. It goes deeper than your favourite chocolates or a new scarf. Self-love is about accepting where you're at, sitting with your feelings and desires, and accepting them as they are. Not shaming yourself for feeling lazy, unmotivated, overwhelmed, anxious, sad, disappointed, angry. Self-love goes deeper than looking like you love yourself by having that perfect self-image, not having any insecurities, and being totally healed of all your childhood or adulthood wounds.

NO! That's not self-love. That's ego.

Self-love is loving on who YOU ARE NOW - UNCONDITIONALLY.

None of us have arrived. We're all learning, growing, healing. I have a long way to go. Yes, people somehow expect me to have arrived as far as self-love goes - just because I wrote some books on the subject. Nope. I think the fact that my journey is rather bumpy is a good thing - that means I can be gentle and kind in my self-love wisdom writings. I understand what it's like to struggle to love myself at all times. So, I can be understanding of others. Well, I hope I can be.

When I get overwhelmed by self-love and self-care messages, I want to scream. I want to say, "Go away, I've heard enough. I hear it all the time. Give me breathing space to grow. Growth isn't immediate." That anger is there for a reason; I'm starting to learn that. It's telling me something. Maybe it's telling me that I'm okay just as I am, that I don't have to have it all together. My ego doesn't like that, but my soul does.

The thing that has hit me the hardest lately is the message that's often found in numerous places: "You can't have a relationship or be in a relationship until you learn to love yourself more." So, I'm basically being punished for not loving myself enough? I can't have a relationship with someone I really care about because I don't love myself enough? What?

I read a post on Instagram a few months back that said we don't have to be fully healed before we start a relationship. I hope the author doesn't mind me sharing parts of it. Here is the link for the full post: Yolanda Renteria. But it is important and helpful to be aware of our unconscious patterns and to be willing to grow in the relationship. It will help the relationship be healthy and lasting. There are many unconscious patterns that we may have to deal with like abandonment issues, abuse issues, autonomy issues, etc. She ends the post with this:

I know there are people who are afraid to start a relationship until they feel "healed"...

The truth is we don't know how much we have healed until we are working through relationship conflict and repair. Conflict resolution itself allows for deeper healing.

I'm not saying that one is always ready for a relationship. There was a time period after my divorce when I knew I needed to take time out of online dating and just enjoy being single. I wanted that time. It felt like some breathing space - freedom. I think I took about a year and a half. It was really beneficial, and I actually enjoyed it. But that was out of my own choice, not because of this guilt and shame that I shouldn't be in a relationship if I have unhealed wounds. We ALL HAVE UNHEALED WOUNDS! Not one of us had a perfect childhood and past. We've all had less than perfect things happen to us. And we are never going to enter into a relationship with a perfectly un-hurt human being either. That's just a given. If you feel ready, go for it. If you then discover that you weren't, hey, that's just a growth experience for you. If you find someone who ticks your boxes, then be happy to be with them and work through any conflict or trials you may go through - together.

The takeaway of this post is this: Self-love is not that picture-perfect Instagram post listing all the self-care things that you need to do to make yourself feel better like breathe deeply, do stretches when you wake up, drink lots of water, go for a walk every second day, practice mindfulness. I know I spoke about some of these things in my books. And they're great. They help us feel better physically and emotionally - if we're doing them out of joy and not coercion. If we're doing them because we feel this spark inside us to get an exercise routine going or to watch our thought patterns, it's going to bring happiness, peace, and balance into our lives. But, if you're feeling overwhelmed with life already, take a moment to just be. Be authentically you. Do the things that bring you the tiniest spark of joy even if it's tidying your sock drawer or staring at the moon on a starlit night. Or going into your room and having a good cry because you don't feel understood or seen or heard. Then loving on yourself and telling yourself that you hear yourself, you understand yourself, and that what you feel ALWAYS MATTERS!

Sad News and Happy News

Sad news and happy news:

So, the publisher that published my first books - Clean Reads (originally Astraea Press) - has closed its doors. It's really sad as they were amazing to work with and Stephanie, the owner, took me under her wing and taught me so much that I was able to get my first publishing contract - with them, of course. Part of the reason for it closing is that Stephanie's life has changed so much and she's working full-time now and doesn't have time to run the company.

So, all my books with Clean Reads have been taken down:

Wedding Gown Girl

Three Tiers for Win

White Christmas Kiss

(Wedding Girls' Series)

His Halloween Kisses

Reminding Me of You

It's Called Feng Shui

Angeline 43

(Standalones)

The happy news: My writing knowledge has grown so much over the years, especially through my editing job. I think I've learned more from working with my clients than anything else, so I've decided to take my favourites of these books and rewrite them, get them edited by my editor, and self-publish them. The ones I'm looking at rewriting are:

Wedding Gown Girl (which I've already started working on and I'm having a ball - no pun intended)

Three Tiers for Win

His Halloween Kisses

Reminding Me of You

(romances)

Angeline 43 (urban fantasy)

I've also gotten my rights back from Black Opal Books for Cat Therapy. I will be publishing that in a few months with a new cover - after it's been edited by my editor.

My aim is to also rewrite my Album series but that one is a bit more challenging as I'm doing a big overhaul of the first book. I've started on it but it's not easy!!

So, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Now to find the time to do it all!!

My New Contemporary Romance Coming Out

Good news!!

I am self-publishing a contemporary romance on the 11th February. It's been so long since I've published anything, and I'm so excited. I owe so much to my editor, Zee Monodee, for fixing up the mess of my draft. Whoa, it was a mess. She's brilliant!

Here is the blurb and cover:

Collette has her dream job as a wedding florist. Or so she thought—until business starts to go down and restlessness kicks in. Maybe she hasn’t been enjoying it for a while. When she poses as a celebrity bridesmaid at a client’s wedding, she meets Jonah, an attractive and interesting man who turns out to be the competition—the new wedding florist in town. But Jonah is hard to ignore as he helps her pack up the flowers when her employee, Wesley, disappears on the job. Maybe the answer is to follow her heart and start a flower farm in the country where she grew up and get Jonah to take over her staff and office.

Jonah doesn’t want Collette to move to the country despite the opportunity to expand his business. He’s deeply attracted to her and after kissing her, believes he may have found the relationship of his dreams. How will he keep the relationship alive long distance, and even more so if she just wants a friendship? On top of that, family secrets, lies, and betrayal form an even deeper wedge between their budding romance.

 

 

 

I'm Adapting a New Mindset about My Writing

My writing burn-out started in about late 2015 after three years of publishing about 15 books. I would not recommend that to anyone. I felt like my writing wasn't coming from my heart anymore, and I was going through the motions. I didn't want to give up on my dream, so I kept going. Then my marriage fell apart in July 2016. I fought hard for it, but it was unsalvageable, and I moved back to my home city in February 2017. Life was stressful in the beginning as a single mom. I now had to work hard to earn money to help pay for a second household. Besides struggling with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, I had safety and other issues to deal with. In the throes of the difficult time since July, I managed to write a fantasy novel called Angeline 43, and it was published by Clean Reads on my birthday! The book was a cathartic release for me of all my heartache and pain. It pretty much was a once-off thing, and I'm not sure if I'll ever write a fantasy novel again - not to say I wouldn't like to, but it doesn't come as naturally to me as romance. At the time, though, it just flowed.

As I adapted to my new lifestyle, I found solace in writing my book about cats which was published as Cat Therapy in 2019 but will be republished under a new name soon - The Cat Love Hotel. My heroine was a divorcee, and I poured a lot of myself into the book. I enjoyed writing the book so much, but it wasn't always easy, as I was still coming out of my writing burn-out and I had far less time on my hands. I had hope, though, that I would come out of the burn-out fully. 

I did gradually come out of the burn-out and wrote two contemporary romances in the last few years. At first, romance was hard for me, as my romantic and idealistic view about romantic relationships had been shattered by the divorce. It slowly healed, though. I'm excited to share that my first in the contemporary romance series is with my editor at the moment. I hope to self-publish it sometime this year. I'm doing the process so much slower now, but I prefer it. I get to savour each moment and not rush things. I'm also actually putting decent money into the process this time because I'm discovering that's the only way to make it work.

But, I have a confession to make: I have been struggling with writing so much the last few years. It's not the burn-out anymore. I don't know how to describe it. I start writing a book and write a couple of pages, and then this depression sinks into me as I stare at the pages and try to write more. It's so weird and it's so upsetting. The thought of writing the book makes me feel almost sick. I have started up so many books and never gotten further than Chapter One. Thankfully, I managed to get the two contemporaries out although I did struggle with the second one a bit. It's not that I didn't enjoy the story, but I had to work hard to stick to it until the end. As far as my self-love books go, that problem didn't feature. They came from somewhere up in the clouds. I know that sounds funny, but I feel like I didn't even really write them, that they were bigger and stronger than me. I sincerely believe they came from my higher self or were channeled.

I have been butting heads with myself for years now, trying to get the writing to flow. On Saturday, I was part of a team of mentors in a Zoom meeting, and we were chatting to some new authors about writing. One of the mentors spoke about sticking to writing every day, and I just cringed inside. I felt like such a hypocrite. How could I help newer authors if I wasn't writing properly myself? I felt like a fake wanting to be a writing coach even though I spend my day editing books and have plenty of hands-on experience with the work of authors. I keep asking God / The Universe / Source how I can get my writing mojo back. I keep asking for a breakthrough or inspiration, or something. It's been so frustrating. And worst of all, the guilt has been strong. I know that sounds strange. It's not like I rely on my writing to support my family, so why do I feel this guilt that I'm not producing content? Because I firmly believe and feel deep inside that it's one of my purposes in this life. I've been given this one thing to do, and I'm not doing it. Hence the guilt.

Then, something happened inside me a few days ago - like a realisation. I think I'd reached a head with this struggle, as if I needed answers, and I needed them now. I've been reading a book by the Newton Institute that goes into hypnotherapy sessions that people have that take them to the "life between lives" place, where they speak to spirit beings and find out why they came to the Earth in this life and the purpose of their life. The one lady knew she'd been lazy in her life and wasn't doing all the things she was meant to do. My stomach churned when I read that. But then another woman felt that she just needed to relax and be and not strive - that her beauty would shine out by just being herself. I wondered which one I was. Was I failing by not writing and following my dream? I so want to write. I feel like I'm failing myself, too. 

Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev from Pexels

So, what happened a few days ago is this thought just came to me - like a knowing voice inside me. It said I must stop striving for inspiration. I must stop trying to find a book to write and think up a decent idea that's going to stick. I must just be, and the inspiration will flow TO ME at the right time. I don't have to stir up a muddy pond, searching for some gem inside it, but rather, I must wait for that beautiful, clear stream to flow toward me and engulf me so that I'm flowing again.

Then today, I read about the turtle spirit animal. I love the turtle spirit animal and feel a kinship with him. He's a slow-mo guy. He takes his time with life and just enjoys being. I need to just trust, and the inspo will come at the right time. I also did a guided meditation this morning, and it was about finding joy, about how we are worthy of experiencing joy no matter what. She said that one of the things that stops people from feeling that they deserve joy is that they think they have to work hard before they can reap the reward of joy. It's so embedded in our culture and in some people growing up that we feel we don't deserve joy until we have achieved something. That's how I feel about my writing. Yes, there is always the natural joy that comes from finishing a writing project, but that doesn't mean I can't have joy now. I don't have to feel I'm not worthy of joy because I'm not working on another book. I will get there - at the right time.

Sweet Songs of Summer Playlist

PEEPS, IT'S RELEASE DAY TOMORROW!!!!!

The authors of the Sweet Songs of Summer Sweet Romance Anthology have come up with a playlist for their short stories. I love the songs on this playlist, and I am fussy with music. Anyway, each author has explained why they chose their song. It's so interesting to see everyone's perspective and what inspired some of the stories.

Thank you so much to Francine Beaton and Meg Chronis for organising this YouTube playlist. The group of authors have been awesome in their promotions. I admit, I've been slack the past few weeks as I've been inundated with multiple editing jobs.

Anyway, ENJOY...

Photo by Marcelo Chagas from Pexels

ALISSA BAXTER – IS THIS LOVE?

Garth Brooks – To Make You Feel My Love

I chose To Make You Feel My Love because the words are relevant to the circumstances my heroine finds herself in. Jennifer is recovering from a significant trauma and needs to find the courage to move forward with her life. The song I chose is from the soundtrack for the movie Hope Floats.

https://bit.ly/3fsCdpi

 

FRANCINE BEATON – CHANCES

If you’ve read any of my books, you may know by now, I’m a huge Ronan Keating and Ed Sheeran fan. I’ve used their music as inspiration in most of my books. For Chances I’ve chosen Ed Sheeran’s Perfect. As this is a ‘friends to lovers (or rather sweethearts)’ trope, one part of the lyrics resonated with me:

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this time

And just because in the official music video Ed and the girl is so sweet. How could I not choose it?

https://youtu.be/2Vv-BfVoq4g

 

 LARA VAN LELYVELDT

“Marry you” by Bruno Mars. Kind of a spoiler, but the joyfulness of the song is fitting, I think!

https://bit.ly/3yso1p5

  

LORNA KELLY  - A TASTE OF ROMANCE

The song I chose for my inspiration is Love Bites by Deff Leppard. My story is about love between an emotionally wounded photographer who takes on a new assignment to try to recover from her cheating fiancé, and her client who is a very successful cookery author. The combination of love and food, and photography. What’s better? It’s a stunning song and also allowed for a bit of dedication to the hero’s late mom, as his friend called his restaurant Leppards, after her favorite group.

https://bit.ly/33V5iUO

  

PG BARKER – I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL

My choice of song is  'WOMAN IN LOVE' sung by Barbra Streisand

It's a song of deep feeling but of uncertainly.  The protagonist is an attorney so the line in the song "It's a right I defend" resonates with a phrase a lawyer would use often. The protagonist is in love with her movie maker boyfriend but her nasty stepsister keeps reminding her that the media says he is in a relationship with somebody else.

https://youtu.be/hDAZg7AORaY

 

 MELISSA VOLKER – THE POOL GUY

Mine is Seeing Blind by Niall Horan & Maren Morris 

The reason I chose my song, Seeing Blind is because, in life and in my story, people are often not who they seem

https://youtu.be/cKbl19xeSIQ

 

 MEG CHRONIS – SECOND FIDDLE

Can’t Help Falling in Love – Elvis Presley

When I was first asked to write a short, I was asked to take my inspiration from a song off a list of the ten greatest love songs of all time. I chose Elvis Presley’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” It was just the sort of song the string quartet in the story would play at a wedding, and it turned out to be the perfect, schmaltzy piece for the big romantic gesture at the end.

https://youtu.be/J7S5viqJT9o

 

KATHY BOSMAN – EVERY MOMENT

Moments – Westlife

My short story is entitled "Every Moment" because when two people fall in love, they need to savour every moment they have together. As beautiful as love is, it may not last forever. Life can throw us curveballs such as loss, change, separation, conflict, growing apart. Every moment with the one you love is special and needs to be cherished. Westlife conveyed this idea so much in their song, "Moments." They conveyed how much my hero, Craig, enjoyed every moment he shared with Carla. She'd brought something into his life he'd needed for a long time. Every relationship we experience grows us and brings us closer to love, whether it lasts or not. True love changes us and empowers us.

https://bit.ly/3eW2364

 

 TLALANE MANCIYA – STATE OF THE HEART

At my worst – Pink Sweat$

I chose the song because it relates so much to my story in a certain way, and it's one of my favourite songs. The song is about being loved at your worst, to get that person who will love you no matter what the world throws or whatever burdens one may carry. Being loved when things are smooth and nice is good, but the greatest test of how much love can endure is when one has to see a person's worth through those challenging moments, even at their worst moments.

https://youtu.be/K_zylJH4PRI

 

 Melissa Volker created a playlist for all the songs, you can find here:

https://bit.ly/3v9GLaR

 

 So, this week you’ve read more about the authors, their stories, and now the songs which inspired them. Tomorrow is release day. Go play those songs to get you in the mood – then pre-order it at your favorite Amazon store right here:

US: https://amzn.to/3yb02dE

UK: https://amzn.to/3onBJVm

CA: https://amzn.to/3wbSjtZ

AU: https://amzn.to/3orx1pQ