My problem with romance novels and why I will continue writing them

I have a problem with romance novels.

"What?" you say. "You write them; you edit them. What's going on? Are you one of those literary snobs who think writing romantic fiction is easy?"

"No, not at all. It's one of the hardest things to write, I think."

There is so much that goes into a good romance novel, and through the years, I've learned more and more as an editor and an occasional writer of the genre. There is just so much to learn. I know deep in my soul that I want to continue writing - that it's my heart's desire, and that romance, for now, is the genre that flows from me. But I have a problem with something that shows up in many romance novels.

I'm not saying this to criticize anyone as it is the genre. The romance genre is fiction and fantasy - it's about a relationship with usually a man and woman, but also with same-sex couples and other genders - but that's not the issue here. It's the fact that it's fantasy - it's partly based on real life but it isn't. And therein lies my concern. 

From going through a difficult divorce and also dating quite a bit in the last seven years, as well as reading up on feminist literature and books like Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are, I've come to realize that the problems I had in my intimate relationships were not due to the person not being the "one for me" or the "right guy" but due to lack of communication.

The sex scenes in romance novels are seamless and perfect. There are no stops where the guy is doing something that the woman doesn't like and where she has to direct him away from it or ask for something different. In every moment, they are both perfectly aroused and happy with every action that the other is doing. This is not possible in any relationship except in a performance on a porn video, and that is not a real relationship. Especially in the beginning when the partners don't know each other. It takes trial and error, communication, and getting to know each other's preferences. According to romance novels, the guy (because he is this perfect hero for the woman) knows exactly what she likes and how she likes it. Women have brakes - this is mentioned in Emily's book. Some women have more sensitive brakes than others. Brakes are things that lower or stop desire and arousal. Anything can press their brakes during love-making - a distraction, pain, discomfort, stress, etc. Some women don't become aroused as easily as others and take longer - their accelerators are less responsive. And there is nothing wrong with these women. They just need partners who are willing to communicate with them and listen to them.

Photo by Jonathan Borba of Pexels

What I'm concerned about when women read romance novels is that they will begin to think there is something wrong with them or their partner. Sure, if their partner is abusive and doesn't listen to their requests and desires, or is coercive and selfish, then there is something wrong with their partner. But if the woman has never told her partner what she likes and how she likes it, then he cannot be blamed for not knowing. No, men can't read our minds, and very few are psychic. And even if they were psychic, it doesn't mean they're sexually psychic. 👻😂We need to speak up. And there needs to be consent every step of the way. Yes, consent is sexy. It's not an interruption. It's a form of respect. I have noticed that some recent romances are strong on consent, and I just love that. Obviously, there are mafia romances that have dubious consent - that is a particular genre. They're not my favorite, but women are entitled to enjoy them if they so wish!

I just wish that some more communication back and forth between partners can be incorporated into the sex scenes of romance novels without taking away from the sexiness of the moment. I'm trying to do it in my more recent work. I'm not sure if it will work, but I can't write them
any other way. It feels wrong and like a disservice to women. I'm rewriting The Album series and adding in sex scenes, and I'm going to bring out In Full Fruit sometime this year.

What do you think? Do you think some imperfection and communication back and forth should be added to sex scenes in romance novels? Or do you think women know that it's just fantasy and it wouldn't affect their self-esteem or relationships reading books with perfect sex scenes?